Smokeless Bars

I welcomed in the new year at the Cat's Cradle in Carboro...a great choice as the Sex Police were reuniting for what turned out to be a great show. There are a lot of great things about the Sex Police and Chapel Hill in general. Personally, I feel like Greensboro could learn a thing or two but that's another diatribe. A teensie blurb today, about a simple topic: Smoke Free Bars.

There's a line from the movie Silverado where Kevin Kline's character is wistfully explaining his affection for a good saloon...it's the only place he's happy, says he. Well, I can totally appreciate this sentiment having spent an inordinate amount of time lounging about various pubs and the like in various places here and there. There are some things that are basic requirements for a decent bar/pub, namely atmosphere and appropriate offerings on the back side of the bar. Live music doesn't hurt either so long as the band in question doesn't sound like infirm cats trapped in a 55 gallon drum. Given the diversity of Greensboro's population, I think we've got a few really good offerings that suit the majority of the population and their specific needs and wants. For instance, nothing really needs to change at the intersection of Walker & Elam. The establishments that are there wouldn't still be there if they were not patronized by persons who appreciated the Orleans flavor of one and the neighborhood "Cheers" feel of another. While Fishbones ain't exactly a bar, let me take a moment to just say I'd like it if Neil would add some more seating. That's the impatient me speaking after having to wait a little while for a table recently. Then again, were more tables to be added, it would likely wreck the good thing he's got going on. However, I am starting to really get serious about patronizing smoke free establishments and I think owners might be surprised at the number of people who would be interested in NOT smelling like the bottom of an ashtray simply because they wanted to go out and have drinks with a few friends or enjoy a good band. For example...

I very much enjoy dancing...Carolina Shag (is there any other?!) in particular. There really is only one place around to Shag and that is Thirstys2 [ www.thirstys2.com ]. Folks drive in from the Triangle and other parts an hour plus away. It's good times for sure and I highly recommend a foray into this unique world even if you have 2 left feet. The atmosphere is great and the crowd quite amiable, though the average age is higher than what one might normally expect (note this does not seem to affect the party atmosphere, although for the youngin's among us it might be too much like seeing your parents get liquored up and engage in something similar to what was witness in Dirty Dancing). Bands such as Chairmen of the Board, The Band of Oz, and The Catalinas are regulars and the DJ's are excellent - the music is just over the top. My one big complaint about Thirstys: the wall of smoke that often develops despite the countless ceiling fans that keep us dancers from suffering heat stroke. I love Thirsty and his fine establishment but I hate, hate, hate the smokiness. And this is an across the board problem with all of Greensboro's bars and dancing establishments unless you are hitting the Contra dance or Swing dance scene (which are worth a visit if you're feeling adventuresome). By the way, if anyone's reading this or interested, you can check out the Triad's swing scene at www.piedmontswingdance.org or www.theswingofthings.com - it's great fun and totally smoke free in the dancin' hall.

So there's my rant on smokey bars - seems off the wall, right? What would a bar be without smoke? And isn't there something comforting about occupying the hand that isn't holding a drink? Perhaps the reason that so many people smoke is because of the feel of the smoke rolling down your throat, or the way it settles you when you take a long draw, inhale and then leisurely exhale savoring the tobacco. But I think it is less that for the bar crowd and more of some other things that were I to rant on about them, I would likely have to trade in my Wal-Mart flame suit for an industrial model. I know all about the addiction and about quitting. 2 packs a day at one point in time some 12+ years ago...and when Crackie McFerrin toddled off into the arms of his paramour, I reverted to my old nasty habit. That wasn't that long ago. But thankfully it didn't last very long at all. I couldn't stand the stink despite the way I loved how that first long, hard drag would just settle me down after arguing with Mr. McFerrin or his attorney, Mr. Jack Weed, esq.

The bottom line: I really want someone (not me of course - way too risky!!) to open a bar/music establishment in Greensboro that is modeled after the smokefree policy at the Cat's Cradle. Making folks put out their smokes before coming through the doors obviously isn't putting them out of business...

New Year's Celebrations

In a departure from my usual New Year's celebration techniques, I am heading off to Carboro to the much beloved Cat's Cradle...the Sex Police are playing and I, for one, will be jumping on that elevator. The are countless other options in Our Fair City for ringing in 2005 but I'm old and this is medium nostalgic. And now on to other business...

I hear tell that one of Greensboro's newest watering holes, Stumble Stilskins, is holding a trivia night. Not much turned up with an online search so I guess I'll have to toddle on over and sample the offerings. But I'm all about some trivia. Old Greensboro might remember Laredo's trivia game with the giant remotes...golden. Needs to be revisited. However, whilst living in the Great State of South Carolina, I was able to engage in Bar Room Trivia 5 nights a week. Jury's out as to whether or not it's still a big gig in SC, but there's nothing like using the ol' noggin to win free buckets of beer for knowing Jerry Seinfeld's apartment number or that a Rhino's horn is made of hair. More news on this trivia thing as news develops....

Best wishes to all for a safe and sane-ish New Year's Eve celebration. See you next year!

Holiday Aftermath

So few things can throw me into a complete tizzy...but start off with 2 toddlers, countless new toys, a just started walking baby, and cold medicine that isn't doing it's job (I'm not even going to go off about my ex-Thing who manages to avoid his fatherly duties and crush his daughter's only wish)...now I'm headed for full blown off the wagon status. Had the cough medicine been working at even 75% efficacy, I would have been my usual charming self, but alas, I morphed into some evil, short tempered Grinch this holiday. There simply were not enough pills! Ha! But that doesn't mean that the world as I know it stopped revolving on its axis...

One of the good ideas I was brought in on is just so simple I can't believe I didn't think of it myself given my propensity for managing countless hundreds of baby wipes over the past 4 years. Envision this: a bio-degradable wipe packaged similar to that of a wet-nap...you know those infamous little premoistened towlettes you get at the rib joints? Anyway, instead of that gross smelly antibacterial detergent, close your eyes and imagine the smell of vermouth. Yes, yes...martini lovers unite and get in line for vermouth wipes. This way you will never question the amount of vermouth used or fret of wastage. Makes a great gift... Okay, good idea, but the concept needs a little tweaking. Gimme a break - I'm loaded on Nyquil that isn't working - which means I'll only end up taking more and likely combining it with some other various OTC cold medicine and maybe some Tessalon anti-coughing stuff. It would be a wonder I'm not already deceased given my historical tendency to combine pharms, but God isn't done with me yet, too much to do here...no rest for the wicked and all that, I'm sure!!

One last tidbit before I toddle off to rest my weary, snot filled head (over share??)...I had the pleasure of meeting Sarah & Jeff Wicker over the holiday. Those who listen the 98.7 The (fill in the blank because I can't remember if they are the Zone, the Point or the Link) Morning Show, might recognize Wicker in the Morning. Wicker is partnered with a young lady named AJ, to whom I was not introduced to but did see. She seems to be just lovely, however, that whole diet business she's always touting over the airwaves...well, AJ, it's time for your teenise self to sidle up to the buffet at the Golden Corral and dig in! Do not fear the carbs, sister! You are pushing the envelope. You are a beautiful young lady and another 10 pounds would have you looking much healthier!! But now back to the Wicker scenario.... he & his wife are just precious and though I'm mostly tuned into NPR, I'll be listening up to hear more on the Wicker's child rearing issues. Y'all should listen in, as well, for even if you do not find the music entertaining, the banter is more than acceptable and the Mr. French stunts are pricelessly funny...side-splitting if the right person answers the phone!!

Not much to report from out here, 10 miles past the middle of nowhere - and the cough is getting worse so I've got to head to the laboratory (aka The Kitchen) to cook up some ill-advised combination of meds so I can sleep. Peace on earth, good will toward men, women, and children....best wishes for a critter in every pot!

Liberty, Justice and the Shmosaic Project

Let me just share a quickie with you before I launch into my latest diatribe. I'm dining with a friend last night in High Point, listening to Greensboro's own, talented Dorian Grey ( www.doriangrey.net ) , rocking out with favorite standard U2 medley when I see a somewhat familiar face. Interestingly enough this guy's name is Justice or Justus or something similarly spelled. Now what do you think the chances are that one should be in an establishment called Liberty and there is a patron named Justice? All I can say is Liberty and Justice for all... I wouldn't have been happier had I been in Fisher's and the Gordon's Fisherman had walked in, bedecked in his yellow slicker & hat, fresh from the Briney Deep! And Justus - however his name is spelled - is one of the nicest boys you could ever meet. Notice to all the lasses in The Furniture Capital: He's a catch.

In a departure from the ordinary, I'm going to tackle something a teensie bit serious. Yeah, you might want to sit down and/or fix yourself a drink - or leave now & don't complain when The Truth is finally revealed to you after the shit hits the fan somewhere on down the road...

Recent extensive research for a comparative study on the evolution on race relations in Greensboro (see I'm not just another smart-mouthed pretty face!) revealed yet another shocking misappropriation of time and money by the Leadership of Our Fair City. Yes, boys and girls, I am talking about the Mosaic Project ( www.ci.greensboro.nc.us/Mosaic/ ), intended to build trust between Greensboro's diverse population by pairing up members of different racial and ethnic groups. The program was apparently a great success in Rochester, NY where the Greater Rochester Diversity Council ( www.rochesterdiversitycouncil.com )instituted it in an effort to improve diversity in the workplace. Running the game in NY (and also GSO) is Idea Connections ( www.ideaconnections.com ) a promotional & marketing firm. Interestingly enough, when I called the Mayor's office and the GSO communications folks (which is where I was directed by the City) no one wanted to answer any of my seemingly inocuous & benign questions. So this is my story about Mosaic based on the info I was able to dig up without the help of city leaders:

Those participating in the pairing up are already leaders in the community - many of whom know each other in varying degrees. They are paired according to similar interests, including everything from sailing/yachting to volunteer activities (one of the participants was kind enough to give me a copy of the application stuff). Now I'm not going to enumerate the many questions I have regarding how pairing up people of different races but very similar socio-economic classes (how many folks in a lower economic group enjoy, or rather are able to enjoy, sailing, skiing and world travel?) is going to effectively impact race relations and the progressive mystique that seems to have gripped our city for a century, but I encourage you all to visit the websites above and draw your own conclusions. I suppose the effort is better than doing nothing but it seems to me that there are other ways to promote better race relations in the city. Could this money not be better spent on programs that would pair up folks who were from different racial AND socio-economic backgrounds? Or perhaps more could be done in our school system to promote acceptance of difference by educating about just how similar we all really are. And we seem to have forgotten that you gotta be color conscious to be color blind. It would be utter folly to argue that race and class do not converge and I just don't see this project doing much, short or long term, to address how this affects race relations in Our Fair City.

Now before anyone starts blacklisting me as a communist, socialist or other uber-reactive tree-hugging, Kumbaya singing, non-shaving lover of all things Phish and Birkenstock...know this, I'm a little right of center. I'm also a realist that embraces capitalism and responsible enterprise (I know, maybe a little contradictory...). It just pisses me off when our Intrepid Leaders market something such as this Mosaic deal as some sort of panacea to a problem that deserves a more realistic approach in working towards a solution. Seems like the people of Greensboro are being sold tickets to a big magic show...lots and lots of dramatic illusions. Okay, I'm shoving the soapbox back into the closet (dont' get so excited!!)

In Other News:

Props to TheShu for taking notice of my rants. Mosey on over and visit www.greensboroistalking.com for more Gate City Chatter. Shu I don't know who you are but perhaps I will run into you at the Courthouse sometime as I myself can often be found running for records - upstairs & down.

Speaking of legal matters...with the city's new focus on the crack problem (better late than never, I guess) I have a comment (shocking, right?) To all you automobile owning crack heads out there: Stop letting the dealers "borrow" your car in exchange for crack. Are you really surprised when they don't bring it back? Do you really think your little habit isn't going to be found out when you report said vehicle as being stolen? You are clogging up the court system with your crazy antics. Step away from the pipe and if you can't find employment, go volunteer somewhere and keep thyself out of trouble. No offense to the jailhouse cafeteria, but the food ain't good enough to merit checking in as a guest of the county and the friends you make on the inside aren't the kind that will encourage you to make wise choices. About the only productive thing you might do if incarcerated long enough is get your diploma...and you know what the Wizard told the Scarecrow, "I can't give you a brain, but I can give you a diploma." And as my friend Paul would say to The Mean Philippine: "Crack Kills!"

Well, I'm off to start my Christmas shopping...instead of a little self-flagellation with the cat-o-9 this week, I think I'm going to hit the Toys-R-Us...seems comparable, don't you think?

More Holiday Musings...

Before I list the rest of the Nice List, there's a story to tell about some happenings in the parking lot of the Greensboro Coliseum.

In what I consider to be a rather genius move, one of Greensboro's Professional Homeless Persons acquired one of those orange traffic control vests worn by coliseum staff - you know those sometimes cranky men who blow whistles at you and wave those flashlights around in a lame attempt to direct your car into a particular space. Personally, I think they are dreaming of employment at the airport where they get to wear those ear muff things and wave fancy orange flashy things and tell the pilots where they can and can't go...and they likely have control issues but we certainly do need to go into that here! Nevertheless, on one particular recent day the coliseum was home to a seminar/workshop of sorts for teachers in the Guilford County School System. Our charming & enterprising PHP donned the aforementioned vest and proceeded to not only "direct" traffic, but exact some sort of financial compensation from the teachers for his trouble. I have it on good authority that this was met with calm and unremarkable responses from the majority of teachers, save one. I believe the exact comment was something along the lines of, "Nobody was really upset over it but that one male elementary teacher. He completely freaked out!" Now of course I ain't one to say and you ain't heard it from me, but I happen to have some idea as to who this person might be.http://schools.guilford.k12.nc.us/spages/oakrd/staff.html Now it is of great importance that I issue the disclaimer that I am not certain of this male elementary teacher's identity. However, I will say that if ever there was someone who might throw a slap ass hissy fit over something like this...well, if the shoe fits, wear it. Momma always told me to treat others the way you would want to be treated. For those of you who might think I'm being a bit bitchy, vindictive, and over the top - I'm just returning the favor...so put that in your peace pipe and smoke it!

Now on to another installment of the Nice List...

Purr-cell-ville ~ You know who you are and where you're from. It's a surprise & I'm not telling. So there!

To Gunther's Mom ~ A fancy commercial one is out of the question on this year's budget, so I'm doing the best I can...it's the nicest Bunsen burner they make!!

Imaginary Friend ~ If only the things I drew came true! You have my gratitude for being there even when I wasn't. Even when I really wasn't.

Genevieve & Associates ~ I wish that I could give you something that would even things out...maybe they'll even themselves out. Love & admiration is what I have for you... some other stuff too.

The Ice Cream Coner would like me to remind everyone that Santa Claus is coming to town. She also said (actually sang really loud in the dairy section of Food Lion last night) he knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you're awake. Sounds alot like some serious stalking issues if you ask me! Pull the blinds and draw the curtains, ladies...or better yet, invite him on in - it would be just plain stupid to turn away a man with a sack full of presents!

My Christmas List

Christmas List 2004

Well boys & girls, it's that time of year, again, when I realize how few shopping days there actually are and decide it's time to start shopping. Though it may appear that I have waited until the last minute, rest assured I have been deliberating for months to come up with The Perfect Gift for all those fortunate enough to make it on the Nice List. But first, let's do the naughty list!! I'm only including the Top 3 ~ the other 4 aren't that great anyway...

Dancing Henry ~ You are by far the most fun to shop for because there are so many things you need! But I couldn't get you the things you need most without taking them off some other poor unsuspecting man, so I decided to settle on getting you a few more spotlights for the house and some new maize for the front door. Come next fall, you'll be more than prepared! Merry Christmas, darlin'!

Crackie McFerrin ~ Not very original but you and Henry would benefit from a few similar gifts. However, in the spirit of good will towards men, I'm calling off my attorney for a few months. By the way, you'll be getting a package in the mail any day now. I know how much you liked that tie we got in Montreal. Maybe you can find someone in your new hometown to sew it back together for you! Kiss, kiss.

To My Ex-Monster-in-Law ~ He's all yours, again! Oh, and I also wanted to give you an apology. You were right all along; he wasn't ready to grow up and get married. Happy Holidays and good luck with store security this year. [eek!]

...And now for the Nice List!

And ~ You are true & dear. There is nothing I can give you that could possibly improve on the most perfect person that you are! (Besides it would spoil the surprise!!)

Damien of BT Bartending Fame ~ Martini glasses; you guys really should have more than 4.

Philly Dawg ~ Aside from your new nickname...a pair of binoculars so you can get the total effect of spotlights and maize!!

Bart Simpson from K'ville ~ Sorry I couldn't give you what you really wanted for Thanksgiving. But I will give you my phone number. It's an elite club, precious, but I'm betting you're worth it.

Bathmat Babe ~ I'm just not sure what to get the girl who has everything so I'll just wait until your next crisis. My gift to you this year is to be your emotional bail-out when it happens...and sadly, it will. I love you but it's time to fly the plane solo for a while, Amelia.

Durl ~ There is nothing to give you aside from my undying devotion - you have it all. You are a true friend and totally shaggable - you know what I mean, Bellyroll!

What's Next Door

There's so much material for me to choose from regarding commentaries on the fair Gate City. But I'm crunched for time and can carve out only enough to do a skoshe of cathartic ranting. Pay close attention, though, for there are some priceless hints for Proper Bar Behavior. Not to be confused with PRB - who we all know and love - go Patrick! For now though I intend only to take a moment to share a few particular observations about a few crimes witnessed this past weekend during the weekly Saturday night Elm Street Soiree.

First, and foremost, a word to the ladies...there is a point where you can become so drunk that only the creepiest of boys might possibly take you home. If you should find yourself setting your scarf on fire, leaning against anything that might appear to be stable in order to keep yourself from falling down, becoming so confused as to think you are a dancer at Cristie's Cabaret, or regurgitating the entire contents of your stomach and thinking "Oh, good, now I can drink some more!"..you have likely reached the too drunk point. It's time for you to call Blue Bird and save some Grey Goose for the rest of us.

PDA - The spectrum is wide. There are limits and some of you have reached them. If the rest of us wanted to watch porn, we'd stay home and order some up on the Pay Per View. It's nice to see an exchange of hugs and kisses - renews our faith in love. An exchange of body fluids might be best left to another location; or maybe not...

Lycra/Spandex - I'm not sure what to say about this except I'm pretty sure most forms of this fabulous fabric will get you black barred in the back of the Glamour. It was intriguing on David Lee Roth in the zebra print long ago; not so much now. But if it's working for you - rock on and watch out for oncoming traffic.

White Shoes/Black Tights - another black bar offense. Fight the urge. Even Boy George couldn't carry this one off. There is NO place for it anywhere.

Winter White - The long term conclusion: there's no such thing. Particularly if it is serving to showcase a winter layer of cellulite. No one's perfect - least of all me - but that doesn't mean we should strive to showcase our physical shortcomings. Harsh? Yes, but this is why the show What Not To Wear is so wildly popular. There are countless ways to battle every little flaw and still dress cute as hell. If you insist on winter white in a size smaller than you might otherwise wear, it might be time for you to invest in some lycra - the kind that comes from the intimate apparel department.

Feliz Navidad - Let it stand on its own merit. Do not try to coerce the band (no matter how talented the front man is) to sing some insane crazy lyrics put to this tune. It's just wrong.

A few thumbs up this week...
Holland Irving Park BP - Joel & Scott, you rock...Cecil is feeling much better and we're back to making illegal turns and being photographed by that damn camera at Hill Street.
Fishbones - have a meal there and just see for yourself
Brixx - if you haven't ordered up a Bronx Bomber, well, you're missing out; with 14 (or maybe more) brews on tap, you can't go wrong.

A word from Durl: Two cannibals were eating a clown when one turned to the other and said, "Hey does this taste funny to you?"

Enjoy your week, folks. Only 12 more days of fighting parking at Wally!
Happy Holidays, Y'all!!